Doubting Thomas by Matthew Clark Davison

Author:Matthew Clark Davison [Davison, Matthew Clark]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781612942001
Publisher: Bywater Books
Published: 2021-04-26T00:00:00+00:00

Dear Thomas,

I’m embarrassed at my behavior. I am not normally storming off in the middle of a conversation, but because my mind was so full, I didn’t know the alternative.

It is now nearly two years that we are seeing each other, as I get ready to finish this phase of my research here in the States, I must express my doubts. I will try and get to the point as quickly as possible. I love you. There. I did it. German, right? To be so direct?

The announcement that my lab’s funding was cut, and I therefore must return to Germany, came as two surprises. While I’m not always the best (like Dana) at decoding your signals, I’m not always the worst either. You know my work won’t relax before I leave. Nor will yours. Night and day, you work for those goddamn children.

You were so irritable, checking your phone obsessively. I didn’t say anything. When you told me that you didn’t want to hear my story about work, I stopped talking and tried to be affectionate. When you asked me if I’d eaten garlic for lunch I went to the bathroom to brush. When I returned, you’d moved to your office. On the phone with Dana.

I am thinking, fuck you. When I left— and you didn’t try to stop me— I hated you for the first time. If you’re pissed I’m leaving, and you hate me I can handle it. But you never tell me anything.

Because my boss is unable to renew my visa, I must leave before the expiration. I want to finish writing my dissertation and then see what happens. I want you to consider moving to Germany, but it’s not the only option. You think Portland is full of opportunities in biosciences. It’s not. Many of the best opportunities are in California. You’ve talked about wanting to live in Europe. You’ve talked about moving to San Francisco. Starting a family. Was this a lie?

Manny

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